Yep, you’ve read it. I’ve had hallucinations. But not drug hallucinations ( well, maybe… ). At the beginning of my 20s, I almost died. The details are not very important, and are, say, of a private matter, but I will tell you that I’ve spent 2 weeks in a hospital room, isolated from the world. During the first week and the beginning of the 2nd, people, in order to enter my room, had to put on masks and gloves, wear special clothes and they needed to sterilize everything that they touched. My doctor never told me to prevent from me going mad, but once I got out, my mother told me that the doctor told her that I came very close to dying. During that time, I had many hallucinations and dreams. I remember all of those with each and every single detail because they all seemed very important to me. And it was the only thing I could “watch” since the goddamn “TV guy” only came some days before I left. I even got to see the Calgary Flames getting eliminated during the playoffs while laying on that bed. Man, that was hell indeed!

Of course, as you might expect, most of the hallucinations and dreams have been created, not only by my extremely weak state, but also because I was injected with plenty of the strongest antibiotics 24/7 to keep me from falling into a coma. Because of this, I believe that my case could be called a “Near-Near-Death Experience ” since I never fell into a coma. But trust me, my weaker state did not mean that I did not freak out when I saw the following hallucinations and dreams:

Hallucinations

  • The Huge Clown: Yep. I saw a huge clown in my bedroom. That clown was at least 10 feet tall, and, since the ceiling was lower, the clown was bending down over me. That was the scariest clown I’ve ever seen. It was like those old clowns with pastel colors. He seemed to be made out of wood. Each of his parts where rectangular with the exception of his round face. He was mostly chalk-white, especially on the torso and face, but he had many “clown colors”, mostly red, blue, and yellow. He did not move at all, but stayed like that, bending down. I closed my eyes at least three times and every time I’d do it, I would see him. I chose to never open my eyes and I fell asleep. This happened during the night.
  • Old Cartoon Violence: I saw that on my room’s clock. When I’d look at the clock, the numbers would turn into black and white cartoon characters. They looked exactly like the first Mickey Mouse apparition, you know, the one with the sailboat and stuff? It was the SAME. Each little character was different. There was a cat, a dog, a duck, a horse… They all had their little something. There was a fat pig who seemed to be the boss of the clock. They would always run around in circle and then they would get sick and tired of one of their pals and they would throw him in the middle of the clock. Each and every time I looked at the clock, a character would die in a new way. Once they caught him on fire with gas. Another time, the pig boss got a axe and evicerated a little rabbit character. On another occasion, the boss pulled the pants of a character and inserted a dynamite stick in the character’s butt cheeks. I swear! At some point, all of the characters seemed to be pissed off with the boss and they all threw him in the middle of the clock and then they started eating him as if their were ants and that he was a piece of sugar or something! That whole clock thing was nasty.
  • Dog Eat Dog: That happened in a room where I had to wait until I would pass an exam for whatever part of my body ( don’t remember ). At some point, I looked at the ground, and there were like, thousands of puppies. They were all eating each other. It was a real mess. I freaked out, but I tried to hide it during my exam.
  • The Two Brothers: That one was the funniest, yet one of the most realistic one. Yet another hallucination. This one is part of a series of hallucinations I saw in my saline solution. I don’t know what really made the hallucinations appear in there, but it was like a very, very slow movie that would go on until the night would come. About each and every hour, I’d check my solution and something else would show up. The most realistic hallucinations came from that thing. It was like a painting. As for the “art” itself, man, it was so detailed. It was like as if Michelangelo was painting it. There was some sort of divine look to it. It amazed me and freaked me out at the same time. The first hallucination was one of two ” brothers “. One was almost fully white with some shades of caucasian white on its clothes. Both of them had an elongated body. It truly seemed like a religious vision. The white brother was on the left. He held a shield with his right hand. The other one was dark purple and held a sword with his left hand. Most definitely a good/evil thing.  The closest thing that can be compared with this vision are paintings of Jesus Christ. Also, the statues of Amon Hen found in Lord of the Rings paintings and in the movie scence ( which was inspired by a painting ) looked a lot like them.
  • The Dragon, the Lych and the Swordsman: You know what? I hate most paintings involving fantasy worlds. This one, however, was not a painting, but an hallucination, once again in my saline solution, and to tell the truth, it was a pretty cool one. There was a huge dragon with a very long neck. It was crouching next to an old, used and undone castle stairway. The dragon was green/silvery and it was taking a lot of room on ” the painting “. The dragon was being mounted by a very dark silhouette. It was different from a LOTR Nazgul and the closest thing to it was a Lych, an undead wizard. It was at the upper right corner, and it was very far. Then, at the bottom right corner, there was a swordsman, a knight or something, defying the dragon. The whole scene was extremely detailed, once again. Lots, a palette of colors involved. I could even see the details of the stone walls, the sky, the dragon’s scales, the warrior’s chainmail armor… Man, I can’t believe I saw that in a freaking bag of salted water or something!
  • The Holy Blessed Virgin Mary!: “You have to be kidding me! ” No, I am not! I saw her. ONCE AGAIN IN THAT SALINE THING!!! And once again, it was a freaking painting, painted by the greatest painter ever. It was so magical. This hallucination captured my attention for many hours until it finally went away. The whole scene was of biblical proportion, and had a strong biblical meaning. Mary was there, with blue and white clothes, and she was holding a young, black sheep in her arms. And a strong wind was trying to push her away from her destination. That was on the left side. On the right side, it was totally black and some black claws seemed to be trying to grab Mary or the sheep. That was the craziest thing I’ve ever seen during my hospital trip. I did not tell a lot of people about this hallucination. I’m not the kind of guy who would go out and say ” Hey, God told me to separate the niagara falls, so, see ya! “. It took some time before I actually made my own conclusion over this vision. First, I believe that those 3 visions have to represent something. The first one was obviously about good and evil. None of the two character stood up more than the other. To me, that means that I have still yet to chose between good and evil in my life. The second one is the battle between good and evil. The third one, with Mary, to me, meant that I chose the right path, even if I was a “black sheep”. I do not believe in the bible’s God, yet Mary held me in her arms and protected me from evil. To me, that means that my path, even if it is a different one, is a right one. I can’t remember the last time I went to church. I did not feel the need to go to church after this vision. I did not feel the need to change anything. I truly felt like I was doing the right thing at the time and that nothing had to change.

 

Dreams

 

Unfortunately, I do not remember much of the dreams I had. There are only two dreams that I’ve been able to recall. I had a lot of troubled dreams during that time, but I believe the drugs obstructed my mind from concentrating on them. However, the two following dreams were most realistic and made a strong impression on me:

  • Cthulhu: I still am unsure if it was a dream or an hallucination, because it all happened in the room I was in, and I was on my bed the whole time. The dream was a very short one. It was a nightmare. One of the scariest I’ve ever experienced. First, I realized I was paralysed. This could lead some people to believe I was in a sleep paralysis state, but I lacked the usual ” weight pressing down my chest “. Because of this, and also because I heard voices, I believe it was a dream. The whole scene happened during the night – and it was nightime in reality as well. Anyways, dream or not, I believe I should describe it. I was on my bed, could not move, and the first thing I saw was a very subtle light coming from the right. It was the reflection of the moon’s light in the eye of the creature I would later identify as Cthulhu. I first saw what seemed like crawling worms, but there were smaller worms attached to the bigger worms. The whole thing was a pack of worms with smaller worms with even smaller worms. There were at least 6 worm-like tentacles. All of the tentacles had “rings” on their skin, once again very similar to worms. The tentacles where dark green mixed with patches of brown and very pale yellow. Lots of pimples on them could be seen. The things seemed like spaghetti bacterias. There were so many worms that it took a lot of time for me to realize that they were in fact the tentacles of a being’s head that was… everywhere. I seemed like the head was at least 20 feet wide. There was a lot of dark wet hair all around the head and face and there were some egg-shaped pimples or maybe those were blind eyes or something, all over the face. The details were amazing. The eyes of the being were round and egg white. Despite the fact that the eyes reflected no intelligence, I could sense that this thing was totally aware of everything going on – I had the strong, extremely scary feeling that my own thoughts were being read by this thing ( a feeling I’ve never felt before and after in my dreams ). Then the “nightmare narrator” came in. That narrator comes in some nightmares from time to time. I think I had about 15 nightmares involving that voice. It’s an extremely dark and LOUD voice. The voice is so loud, I have the feeling like my ears cannot stand it, even if it is a dream. It often talks so loudly that I cannot understand what it says because it becomes distorted. The voice speaks my own language ( french ). It said something like ” It feeds on men’s dreams and nightmares ” and some other things I’ve never been able to remember. The whole narration seemed truly important and I hate myself everyday for not remembering it. After some time, the creature disappeared, as well with the narrator and the whole feeling of anxiety. I did not wake up immediately after the dream. When I came out of the hospital, I told a friend about that dream and he said ” That sounds like Cthulhu “. I knew of the name, but I had never read any works related to this creature. I did not know what it looked like at all. This nightmare still is a mystery to me.

 

  • Jesus Christ!: I said it somewhere on my blog: When you know something in a dream, you just KNOW it. Even if you don’t have the proof, you are certain that what you know is the true thing. In this spirit, I had a very vague dream of a man that I KNEW was Jesus Christ. It was on the shore of a very large lake. There was a sunset. The whole scene was heavenly, of course. Jesus was there, but in dark brown clothes ( he is usually depicted with white or near white colors ). He smiled at me, had some sort of inner laugh and turned away as if to say “Not THAT crazy guy!” and then he walked away and vanished in some sort of smoke signal or something. And that was the end of the dream. Once again, this dream led me to believe that I was on the right path.

 

Conclusion:

It is very hard for me to explain what I have seen, because I lack the academic knowledge on this subject. Of course, the drugs and my weak state, as I said, probably created those visions. However, about half of those seemed to have a very strong, important and realistic message. All of the hallucinations seemed so real and had so many details, it’s hard for me to acknowledge that it is only a “malfunction” of my mind. To this day, the hallucinations I have experienced still leave a lot of unanswered questions. However, I must say that it is very similar to nightmares. There is a very strong feeling of discomfort most of the time. Other times ( like with Mary ), there is an overwhelming ” Is this real? Am I really seeing this? ” feeling, very similar to the beginning of lucid dreaming experiences. My grandmother, some days before dying ( she was on heavy drugs at that point ), told me she also had hallucinations, including an african village burning and that it seemed extremely realistic to the point where she felt like she was burning herself. I am very interested in the whole hallucination subject since these events and I will probably read a lot about it and update this page one day.

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